“To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.” — John Gray

Ever get frustrated or irritated when a friend, family member or co-worker offers unsolicited advice? I do!

Even when the advice is well- intentioned, the implication is that I don’t know how to handle something, make a decision or do the right thing for me.  Many well-meaning folks offer advice because seeing you struggle brings up anxiety in them and they seek to alleviate their own discomfort.  In other words, it’s not about you…it’s about them.  

Yet it may not be the right time for you to receive advice, and it can feel intrusive or critical. So what do you do?

My desire is always to honor myself and maintain the relationship, so I often struggle with how to address this when it happens. I decided to search for advice and came across Melody Wilding’s article “When A Co-Worker Keeps Giving You Unsolicited Advice.”. Melody suggests setting respectful boundaries and here are three helpful approaches she offers:

1. Frame your idea as a decision, not a discussion. “Instead of saying: “I’m thinking of trying X…” try: “I’ve decided to do X because of the benefits.”

2. Combine a compliment with a boundary. You can say: “ I appreciate your opinion, but I need to stick to the current plan to meet our deadline.”

3. Ask for what you need clearly and directly. “I value your insights. For now, I specifically am looking for feedback on X rather than new ideas.”

I decided to test out one of Wilding’s approaches when a friend noticed that my carpet was stained and offered to bring her steam cleaner over to clean it. Her exact words were: “Wow, that rug is filthy and needs cleaning now. I’ll bring over my steam cleaner tomorrow and take care of it.”  Honestly, I didn’t think the rug was that bad…lol. Using approach #2, I responded with:” Thank you so much for the offer to clean my carpet however, I’m not ready to get it cleaned just yet.” 

My friend surprised me by simply replying, “O.K.” By setting this boundary, I felt empowered, respected and was able to bring an end to that conversation.

Melody was right. While unsought advice can be frustrating, setting clear boundaries allows us to stay true to ourselves and abilities, preserve the relationship, which is what matters most.